Living Every Single Day Locked In My Own Personal Hell
Every moment of my life is a violent struggle. A battle, no, a war for my sanity. A war where I am the only soldier fighting. It's an exhausting and soul crushing fight. A fight that I wonder if i will ever win. My own person hell where I am burning alive and no one can see it happening. A deep dark torture, a soul wrenching blackness, a barrage of torturous thoughts, and heart numbing uncontrolled emotions. A silent screaming from a cage I feel like i can never escape.
The demon always grabs me when it is least expected. When it appears that the dust has settled, that the darkness has lifted for a moment, that's when it returns. It takes over me and every thing I am, making it almost impossible to see the person I am beyond this disease. I wonder if it is too late as the aggressive poison seeps through my skin and burns through my blood. It's a possession, a hostile take over for which i am always unprepared and without a weapon. Sneaky bastard.
Much like a tragedy, there are intermission. Moments where I am free. Freed from the cage, to stand in the light for a few moments. It never lasts. Storm clouds of the fiercest kind are never far away, being sure to force me back into my cage. The cage... the cage is the loneliest place. It hangs above a chasm with hungry soul eating smaller demons below. It's cold, empty. So very empty. It makes you feel emotionless, like you too will soon be one of the monsters waiting to consume you. It's always watching you. Always waiting.
You're the loneliest person in the world even if you are surrounded by loved ones. You can't feel the love, you can hear the supportive words, but you can't see to listen. You feel the hugs, you see the looks of concern on their faces. You'll always lie and say you're okay. Inside you're dying slowly. Killing yourself slowly by various self destructive ways. You'll find a way to cope with the monster, to make the being eaten alive easier to bare. There are a million attempts to drown out it's ever beckoning call. It's only temporary. There is always a search for another distraction that never lasts for long.
Searching for is an escape is a daily ritual. Trying to drown out the beast with loud music in my ears and a paintbrush or pencil in my hand. There are times i try to sleep it away. Close my eyes to try and escape its icy grasp around my ankle. Even the dream world isn't a safe place anymore. What should be dreams of pretty things and color filled views are nothing more that black and white nightmares. Monsters and creatures from the nightmare realm coming to get me when i am the most vulnerable.
It ruins everything for me. It cripples me. Makes me less than a human being at times. My wrath is taken out on those i love the most making me feel like even more of a monster than i already do. My emotional storm is always seconds away. Lightning is always ready to strike and my sky is always prepared to rain fire burning my world to the ground. Keeping it together when the monster has such a firm hold upon me is an endless uphill battle. It's easier to just let go than to continue to climb with demons dragging you down every step of the way.
I begins with little things. Things you would never notice. A fight with a parent. a flare up of your temper. Emotional storms that rage like tornadoes but last like hurricanes. It crushes everyone around me, sucking them down towards my wicked demons. I push them away. I step away and take every step to avoid having to fight. I don't want to fight. I've been doing it for far too long.
Bpd is real. It's a wicked destructive hellish nightmare every single day of you life. It makes you want to commit suicide, but you can't because you feel hurt that you would be hurting those you love. but the pain of all that only makes the struggle that much harder. For me, I hide it as best as i can. I make few public appearances as i know that the monster could grab me at anytime. You never really know when it will happen. All you know is that you cannot stop it when it come. And it comes like a tidal wave crushing you and everyone around you.
It is like watching a movie. When you see the girl/guy running up the stairs to get away from the killer knowing full well that they are going to be trapped and die and you are screaming at the screen of the tv set telling them that the killer is up there and they are going to die but being unable to stop the event. That is what it's like for me every single day. I know it is happening and inside my head i am screaming about how i am doing the wrong thing. I know i am freaking out about the smallest event or occurrence and i can do nothing to stop it even if i know i am saying it. There is no emotional regulation. Anything and everything is reason to be upset, angry, frustrated, defeated, empty, abandoned, and alone all at once.
Admitting. that's the first step. right? Welcome to my secret struggle... my daily life with Bpd.
share this with the people you know. Someone you know could be struggling with a demon and you may never know it. Sometimes, finding people that suffer too helps. Help me help myself and share my story, my bpd nightmare.